I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
