The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
