We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
