i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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