I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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