my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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