pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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