Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
