I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The best revenge is premature balding
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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