How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
