i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
