there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
