My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
