3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
