she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
