fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
