I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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