Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
