I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
