you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
you never un-have a 4some
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
