Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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