We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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