Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
