You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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