having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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