Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
