He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
