Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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