i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
