I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
