She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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