I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i love accidental penises.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
