If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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