Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
