While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
