Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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