i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
