true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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