Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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