You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize