Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
