I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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