I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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