I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
