i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
