GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
false alarm, still single
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
