Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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