Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
