rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
