i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
