Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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