Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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