dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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