Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
