I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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