I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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