i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
