your parents love me but you hate me
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
