Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
