i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
