I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
