A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
