One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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