Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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