I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
you made out with another girl for some wings
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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